Jealousy, deep and painful

old green eyesI’m feeling the green-eyed monster jabbing at me today. He’s sitting on my shoulder and jabbing a big sharp dagger deep into my chest. It’s making me cranky, irritable and just very sad. The choices I’m making for myself at the moment are sensible and well thought out. I’m being pragmatic and rational about how things will impact our lives.

Rational and pragmatic are no use to a slightly hormonal and broody female, when a friend has a baby and pictures are plastered all over Facebook. He’s so beautiful, less than 5 minutes old and divinely gorgeous in all his 8lb glory.

It hurts so much to see that tiny little body curled up on a white blanket, the tiny little woolly hat and the long delicate fingers. The huge blue eyes, unfocussed but trying.

Perhaps the reason it hurts so much and makes me so cranky is that I am doing it to myself, I am making the decision to get healthy, wait until we have a more appropriate home, make sure I have a job or at least some sort of increased income. All these rational decisions are sound and sensible but they do nothing for the emotional pain that is dogging me at every turn.

Knowing that I am doing the right thing for me and for us as a couple does not really help when my arms are crying out for a little person to hold as my own.

Wait a minute, now people are posting videos and I am dissolving into a puddle of my own tears.
Get a grip, woman!

 

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